five times mccoy felt he was being replaced
by acetamide
Summary: ...and one time he didn't. Kirk/McCoy


_five times that Leonard McCoy felt that Jim Kirk was replacing him, and one time he didn't_

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_- Birth -_

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It's been a ritual of theirs ever since the that first year at the Academy, and it's one that McCoy is fond of despite what it represents. By the third year it was comfortable and familiar with none of the awkwardness and anger of the beginning, and the evening would slip into night as they drank on the clifftop - and then, once they were in space, in Jim's quarters.

Only this year, Jim doesn't come to him. He doesn't act as though today is any different to the rest of the year when he's usually sullen and quiet until he gets off-duty. But maybe he's got a new way of handling this day so McCoy doesn't bring it up, just keeps a closer eye on him as he goes through his duties.

When night falls and Jim's still not appeared, McCoy finds him via the computer and is surprised to find him in Engineering. And then it's more a feeling of inadequacy as he sees Jim sprawled in a heap against the Enterprise's plasma coolant tanks, Scotty sat opposite him, with several empty bottles between them and another in each of their hands.

McCoy turns around, and celebrates Jim's birthday by himself with his own bottle alone in his quarters.

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_- Night -_

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Every now and then, when they first met, Jim would get irrationally antsy and fidgety to the point where he'd pace around their dorm room, his movements jerky as he gestured wildly whilst talking at a hundred miles an hour. McCoy would watch him carefully and then take him outside and push him down onto the grass, then he'd lay beside him and point out constellations and they'd find shapes in the stars, and eventually Jim's leg would stop twitching and his breath would even out.

McCoy still doesn't know what the cause of the periods of restless energy were caused by but he still gets them, every now and then, and so they still lie under the stars to ease Jim's body. The only difference now is that Jim is the one pointing out constellations and naming them.

McCoy finds Jim one night spread out on the floor of the observation deck beside Chekov, and they're discussing astrophysics and McCoy can see Jim's fingers twisting incessantly from where he's standing, but he doesn't step into the room. He just turns around and walks away.

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* * *

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_- Heart -_

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They have a fight.

McCoy's right, of course - Jim's just recovered from his latest batch of injuries and he's still unsteady on his feet, but he's wanting to go down to the surface of the planet that they're orbiting tomorrow morning with the rest of the Away team. Of course McCoy is refusing and of course Jim is being stubborn, until the point where McCoy makes it an official order as Chief Medical Officer and Jim storms from the room, cursing loudly and his face red.

McCoy waits the normal hour that it takes for Jim to calm down and come back to him, but he doesn't come.

Instead he goes to Uhura, and McCoy finds them in the mess an hour and ten minutes later, their heads bent over a plate of cannelloni, and Jim looks like he's been suitably chastised as he plays with the pasta.

McCoy comms Joanna five minutes later and tells her off, though she's done nothing wrong.

* * *

_- Muscle -_

* * *

Twice a week, McCoy dons his gym kit and meets with Jim to spar and work out, more often than not providing a way of helping Jim vent all of the emotions that he doesn't allow to show or speak about. There's something almost relaxing about watching Jim work out, the fierce determination and the tight set of his muscles.

When he goes down on Thursday evening, Sulu's with Jim and they're both holding onto swords of some kind, their movements fluid and graceful as Sulu instructs him. McCoy walks over and sits down, waiting for Jim to finish and come over to him to spar.

But Jim just glances over at him and gives him a look, and McCoy has known him long enough to recognise that look when he sees it. It's the same one that used to be thrown to him at the bars when they were at the Academy.

McCoy tries not to sigh as he leaves them to it, and finds a running mill to start on. When he takes a break twenty minutes later, the gym is empty and silent save for the violent beating of his heart.

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_- Death -_

* * *

Winona Kirk contracts a violent and fatal virus when she's fort-five and they can't get to her fast enough - by the time they arrive, she's too far gone for McCoy to do anything but ease her suffering. And he does, and she thanks him as Jim grips her hand where he's sat at her bedside.

A few hours later Jim exits the room with his face white and his eyes wet, and he gives McCoy a heavy look before turning and stalking down the corridor.

Uhura asks him later why Jim's spent the last three hours holed up in his ready room with Spock, and he finds that he can't offer her a response.

* * *

_+ Morning +_

* * *

The chrono goes off at 0600 and the lights raise gently, emulating a natural Terran sunrise as best they can. It's McCoy's third week of being on alpha shift and he keeps forgetting to ask Jim to change it, because he's getting tired and grumpy and needs just a week or so of real rest so he can get back on top of things.

He moves to stretch, but Jim's still fast asleep on his chest, one hand curled loosely around his hip and one leg pushed between his own. McCoy pokes him, but all he does is grunt and then push his face into the skin where McCoy's neck meets his shoulder and rumbles contentedly.

And McCoy smiles, twisting his head to press a kiss to Jim's forehead because this is how he's woken for the last three weeks, and that's fine. Because despite the way that Jim now has other people to fall back on - other people who love him and care about him and need him - he always presses himself up to McCoy at the end of every goddamn day.

And that's not something that anyone can replace.

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_end._

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End file.
